My now deceased grandparents used to live on a lake, and every year a bunch of geese and a swan or two would come up on their backyard. They would do regular swan and geese stuff: eating, shitting all over the place, and making little geese and swan babies. Now, one of the first things I can remember is being taught not to fuck around with swans, because they will fuck your shit up. If you get near a swan when they are having children, they will really go at you.

Now, I'm not saying that you should go out and fight a swan. But do you think you could beat one if they attacked you? I mean with your bare hands, because if you had a stick or something you could just whack it once and it would be over pretty quickly. In a fight to the death, I think humans have an advantage, but in a battle to make the other run away, I think the swan could legitimately put up a fight when you have a big one.

I'd win.


Now, how many five years olds could you beat up?

Snap its motherfucking neck.

My legs are longer. I have a longer reach. I win.

Fuckin' kick it in the head.

I was seriously chased by a duck once, when I was about 5 maybe. It was a mother with ducklings close behind. I was following them when momma snapped and went after me. That traumatized me at a young age.

But now I'm stronger and taller. I'm sure I could take a swan. Or at least put up a good fight before I went down.

Guessing you both never have been attacked by water fowl before.

Worst a swan could do is bite you a few times. Worst I could do is rip it's motherfucking head off and shove it down the throat of its kids.

Who wins there?

That. There aren't many animals that would beat me in a one-on-one fight. Not because I'm stronger, but because I am a much better fighter and have multiple weapons available to me.

Kicking at a swan would be a bad idea, but all it can do is beat its wings at you (more for scaring) and bite. Just fucking catch its head and the fight is over.

Most animals don't have many ways to attack. If a dog attacks you, kick it in the dome. If a cat attacks you, kick it in the body. If a mountain lion attacks you, scare it off. If a rhino attacks you, gtfo.

Dog attacked me once. Shoved my hand down its throat and gagged it, then got it in a headlock till it stopped moving.


True story, maybe.

Was that a discussion on an old 404? Or some GFAQs board back in the day? I've seen a thread on it somewhere - like if you were in an open gym and there was just a stream of angry five year olds intent on legit fighting you coming out of the doors - like the burly brawl. How many could you take?



...Really?

Haha, yeah. It was on an old 404 board.

I think the discussion originated from LUELinks, but someone brought it over here I remember.

LUElinks seems to get a lot of pretty absurd x vs. y topics, like "One M1 Abrams tank with unlimited gas and ammo that never breaks down due to normal wear and tear (but can still be damaged), with a crew that doesn't need to eat or sleep, vs. the entire world of 1000 B.C"



Anyways, I'm pretty sure I could handle a swan.

No.

Swans are on record as having killed dogs and on a few occasions children. Swans when battling each other fight to the death.

I would feel no shame whatsoever in running like a total girl.

And possibly screaming.

Getting hit with a beak could break your arm.

Don't fuck with swans.

I think about how i would do in a fight with a dog. But i think i could take out a swan, Im pretty strong

Dogs are easy to beat up as long as you're able to stand up.

I wouldn't worry too much about a swan. All of my limbs are longer than any of theirs.

I never understood the five year old one. Five year olds are not capable of doing any significant amount of damage to a resistant adult.

Yes, but a mob of them will fuck you up.

When you say hand to hand, does that mean I'm like completely naked, because if I'm not I could probably use my shirt to restrain it or my sneakers to kill it.

some swans get pretty huge. you could consider the neck a limb.

I think the real question here is if you'd even want to. Why risk any injury, however minor, from a stupid filthy bird that's just trying to defend itself? I mean, if I was locked in a cell and my tormentor dropped an angry swan in there then I will wreck that fucking bird's shit up, but otherwise I'd probably bolt. I guess the swan wins in that scenario.

EDIT: I guess that answers your second point, about driving humans away. I think most people would rather just leave than kill a bird. Shit, it's a bird. Ain't fightin' for no honor here!

I think I could beat up a gang of swans.

I would pay good money to see this.

just about any waterfowl gets angry when you get near. I remember one time when I approached a family of can geeses, separated by a fence, they started hissing at me. I approached closer then it just started ruffling its feather. Then it started chasing me, and i kicked the steel fence. Hahaha, scared that fucker. goodtimes.