WHILE MY MASSIVE MENTAL FACULTIES ARE ADVANCED FAR BEYOND THE SILLY AND SUPERSTITIOUS SPIRITUALITY SPOUTED SENSELESSLY IN SUNDAY SERMONS, ALL BUSINESSMEN KNOW THE ADVANTAGES OF KEEPING UP A PIOUS PUBLIC PERSONA. IT WAS WITH THIS IN MIND THAT I RECENTLY VISITED A LOCAL CHAPEL, THOUGH AS YOU WILL SOON LEARN, THINGS TOOK A TURN FOR THE TEMPTING, IN TYPICALLY TAWDRY, TITTILATING ZIMMER FASHION. ALL WAS PROCEEDING ACCORDING TO PLAN UNTIL MY WANDERING GAZE FELL UPON THE ROUND, ROBED, RELIGIOUS RUMP OF THE CHOIR DIRECTOR, A SEDUCTIVELY SLENDER SAINT SINGING SENSUOUSLY ON STAGE. DESPITE MY DILIGENT DESIRE TO DEMONSTRATE DEVOUT DEDICATION AND DERAIL MY DIRTIER DISPOSITIONS, MY MIRACULOUSLY MIGHTY MANMEAT MESSIAH BURST FORTH WITH A FLASH OF HEAVENLY LIGHT, RISING FROM ITS TROUSERY TOMB LIKE THE RESURRECTED CHRIST. THE ANGELIC AUBURN-HAIRED ARTISTE ARRESTED HER AURAL ADMINISTRATION AND RENT HER ROBES, BENDING BACKWARDS TO BARE HER BURNING BUSH. MY PERMANENTLY PASSIONATE PENILE POWERHOUSE PARTED HER PUBES LIKE MOSES BEFORE THE RED SEA. AS I BAPTIZED THE BODACIOUSLY BUXOM BIBLE-BANGER BY SPEWING A SALACIOUSLY SINFUL SURGE OF SACRAMENTAL SEMEN INTO HER HERETICALLY HOT HOLY OF HOLIES, SHE SANG NOTES ONLY AUDIBLE TO THE HIGHEST CHOIRS OF ANGELS. THE VIRGIN MARY'S BEEN PROPOSITIONING ME IN VISIONS EVER SINCE.

Awesome alliteration, asshole.

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THE WAY YOU LOOK

In my ass.

Bah. I deride your phallic fantasies of sultry sexual scenarios!

P.S. Go back to 4chan

I went to one of your stores and rented a suit for an interview to turn my life around. On the way home i ran over my grandmother, which caused my dad to commit suicide and my mother to go insane and strangle my two younger siblings before she in turned put a drill to her temple. Your ruined my life. Asshole.

NO, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I HAVE AN ENORMOUS PENIS AND I CONSISTENTLY HARASS YOUNG WOMEN WITH IT.

<3 copypasta!

Zimmer is also known for his philanthropic support of research into the therapeutic use of MDMA, as well as efforts to legalize medical marijuana. Zimmer is reputed to be a recovering alcoholic.

NO REALLY, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY, ABOUT A WEEK AGO, I WAS HOLDING A MEETING WITH MY COMPANY'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS, EXPLAINING THE IMPORTANCE OF DEDICATION, AND QUALITY IN THE SALE OF OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUITS, WHEN I NOTICED ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD WAS, IN FACT, A STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND FEMALE, HER BEAUTY MATCHED ONLY BY HER PROFESSIONAL MANNER AND ABSOLUTELY ELEGANT SUIT. THIS COMBINATION OF STIMULI GAVE MY MONOLITHIC CROTCH CANNON NO CHOICE BUT TO AUGMENT AND OBLITERATE MY PANTS. WITHIN MOMENTS MY MY MEMBER HAD DESOLATED THE BOARD ROOM, THE TABLE HAVING BEEN SMASHED UNDER THE SHEER GIRTH OF MY PELVIC PULVERIZER, AND THE WOMAN IN QUESTION WAS IMPALED ON ITS GARGANTUAN TIP, HAVING THROWN HERSELF IN ITS APOCALYPTIC PATH OF DESTRUCTION IN AN EFFORT NOT ONLY TO SAVE THE LIVES OF HER COLLEAGUES, BUT TO EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND THE QUASI-RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE THAT IS ZIMMER. MY TROUSER TRUNCHEON EXPANDED, DEMOLISHING WALLS AND DISPATCHING THE INTERNS WHO ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE WITH THEIR LIVES RATHER THAN THROW THEMSELVES AT THE MERCY OF MY THROBBING, FLESHY FLAGPOLE. MOMENTS LATER MY PHALLUS HAD KNOCKED OUT MANY OF THE BUILDING'S SUPPORT BEAMS AND THE FLOORS OVERHEAD CRASHED DOWN, THE FORCE OF THEIR MOMENTUM CAUSING THE ENTIRE BUILDING ITSELF TO COLLAPSE IN A NIGHTMARISH MANNER NOT UNLIKE A FAMOUS DISASTER FROM A FEW YEARS AGO. RISING FROM THE RUBBLE, WITH THE STUNNING BOARD MEMBER STILL ON THE TIP OF MY GOD-SCHLONG CRYING ALOUD FOR MERCY, HER SUIT AS WELL AS MINE UTTERLY RUINED BY THE AFFAIR, AS WELL AS A DOZEN OTHERS STILL CLINGING TO THE SHAFT. I LET OUT A THUNDERING ROAR AND LET SPEW FORTH MY SEED WITH SUCH AWE-INSPIRING FORCE THAT THE LOAD SHATTERED THE SOUND BARRIER, VAPORIZING MY LUSTY ASSOCIATE, CRUSHING EVERYONE IN SIGHT AND SHATTERING EVERY WINDOW IN A 5-MILE RADIUS. IN THE AFTERMATH, STANDING NAKED AND COVERED IN CEMENT DUST, AND SMILING CONTENTLY AT THE DEMOLISHED, SEMEN-COVERED RUINS BEFORE ME, I SPOTTED A SMALL DOG, STUMBLING IN THE DEBRIS, ITS EARS BLEEDING AND GASPING FOR BREATH IN THE HUMID MUSK. I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. WITH A LOUD THUD MY ELEPHANTINE, EUTHANIZING MAN-HAMMER HAD CRUSHED THE ANIMAL LIKE A THICK, MEATY FLYSWATTER.

also

wow, he actually seems pretty cool >_>

INTRODUCTIONS ASIDE, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT HOW I CAME TO HOLD THE PRESTIGIOUS POSITION OF PROPRIETOR OF THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL PUSSY PISTON.

NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD CAN'T RESIST MY PLOW. AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT MY KIT, YOU'LL LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS…I GUARANTEE IT.

IN NEW YORK CITY, BORN AND RAISED, POLISHING MY PISTOL'S HOW I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS. FINGERING, TINKERING, TOUCHING UP MY TOOL, CLEANING IT AND MAKING ALL THE LOVELY LADIES DROOL. WHEN SUPERMAN FELL FROM THE SKIES ABOVE, SAID, "I CAN PWN YOUR PURPLE-HELMETED WARRIOR OF LOVE." SO I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF MY PILE-DRIVING PLEXUS AND REALIZED, "I REALLY SHOULD MAKE MEN'S SUITS IN TEXAS."

I HAILED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR, IT HAD A STICKER THAT SAID "OBJECTS SMALLER IN MIRROR." SAID I TO THE CABBIE "I CAN PROVE THAT WRONG!" SO I SHOWED THE GOOD SIR MY SIZEABLE SCHLONG. IT WAS A SIGHT THAT HE JUST COULDN'T QUIT AND THAT'S WHEN I FIRST PROCLAIMED, "I GUARANTEE IT!"

I PULLED UP TO MY MANSION WITH A TRUCK FULL OF WOMEN AND GAVE THEM ALL A TASTE OF MY OMNIPOTENT SEMEN, LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM AND KNEW I WOULD FIT AND THAT’S HOW I CAME TO SAY

rofl

Dick in a box?

NO MAN HAS YET MADE THE BOX THAT CAN BOUND MY BOUNTIFUL, BODACIOUS BUTT BULLY. VOLUME VEXATIONS ASIDE, NO THICKNESS OF CARDBOARD, WOOD, OR ANY OTHER BOXMAKING MATERIAL CAN SUPPORT THE WEIGHT OF MY WRATHFUL, WRIGGLING, WOMANIZING WEENUS.

I'm a young woman.

I cant read things that are all in capitols. I have a limit of one sentence before my eyes bleed.

YESTERDAY I WAS STROLLING IN THE SUPERMARKET WHEN A FLIRTATIOUSLY FUCKABLE FEMALE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF THE BURLY BULGE IN MY BOXERS. AS SHE INTRODUCED HERSELF AS "DAGGER JANE", I ALREADY HAD HER HEAVENLY HOMOLOGOUS HIPS PINNED TO THE WALL WITH MY LIMBER LOCOMOTIVE OF LIBIDO. SHE MOANED WHILE MY SUMPTUOUS SEXY SERPENTINE SEMEN-SYRINGE VICIOUSLY VIOLATED HER VAGINA AFTER ASSAULTING AN ARRAY OF HER ORIFICES. WHEN I RETIRED FROM RAVAGING HER RAVENOUS RAVINES OF REPRODUCTION I PUMPED PINT AFTER PINT OF PALE PENIS-PUDDING DEEP INSIDE HER CAVERNOUS CUM-CRATER. SHE CAME SO HARD, THE STORE IS STILL FULL OF WET FLOOR SIGNS.

hahahahahaha


again! again!

THIS MORNING I WAS AT HOME, HELPING DAGGER JANE TO A HANDSOME HELPING OF MY HAIRY HOT DOG. AS SHE SQUIRMED BENEATH MY GENEROUS GIRTH, I NOTICED A FAMILIAR IMAGE ON THE TV - ME. AS I LEANED TOWARD THE TELEVISION, THE IMAGE OF MY DAPPER SUIT CAUSED MY LUSCIOUS LOINS TO PUMP INTO OVERDRIVE. I SMASHED INTO MY JANE'S VAGINA LIKE TED KENNEDY OFF A PIER, AND SOON FOUND MYSELF REACHING ORGASM TO MY HANDSOME VOICE. I SHOT FORTH A GARGANTUAN GOURD OF GODLIKE GROUPINGS, SPLATTERING HER IN MORE EGG WHITE THAN A CHINESE COOK'S HANDS.

How I wish you could tell me bedtime stories.

ONCE UPON A TIME I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND SPIED A WOMAN IN A MINISKIRT THAT WAS BENDING DOWN TO GET A NEWSPAPER. AS SHE DID I HAD A PERFECT ANGLE AT THOSE ROUND, WHITE, BEAUTIFUL, DAZZLING, FIRM ASS CHEEKS. IT WAS AT ABOUT THIS POINT THAT WHAT ONCE WAS A FLACCID APPENDAGE BETWIXT MY LEGS BECAME A QUIVERING YET RIGID BATON GENERATING ENOUGH HEAT THAT THE GRASS AROUND ME TURNED BROWN AND BURST INTO FLAMES. THE CHEAP VINYL PANELING MELTED ONTO ITSELF LIKE A 3RD DEGREE BURN. BEFORE SHE COULD GET AWAY I RAMMED MY SUPERHUMAN SHILLELAGH INTO HER UNDULATING, PULSATING, CUNT ONLY FOR HER TO SPRAY MY CUDGEL DOWN WITH GALLONS OF HER GOODY-GOODY-GASH-GOO. WHEN IT WAS MY TURN TO SHOOT THE SHERBET I THREW HER TO THE GROUND AND CAME ON HER BACK SO HARD IT SLID HER TWENTY FEET DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND WITH SUCH A VELOCITY THAT IT HAD THE EFFECT OF SANDBLASTING THE CONCRETE CLEAN OF DOG SHIT AND BUBBLE GUM. THE SCENT OF IT COULD BE SMELLED FOUR BLOCKS AWAY AND ANYONE WHO INHALED IT WAS INSTANTLY CURED OF ANY SINUS INFECTIONS THEY HAD. GEORGE BUSH THEN SNORTED EVERY LAST DROP OF IT OFF HER BACK BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. THE END.

ZZZzzzzZZZzzzz

can someone ban this douche?

All jokes aside, that's some fine writing.

Yeah, really. I hate to feed this monster but that was some powerful alliteration.

EDIT:


XD XD XD

http://zimmergonnasexyouup.ytmnd.com/

I guarantee it.

So, wait, just how gargantuan is George Zimmer's codpiece?

4chan.

This was actually fucking hilarious until I found out it was a 4chan fad. Or should I say 'meme'.

All fads/meme aside, the writing is actually decent.

The alliteration is awesome.

This topic is one that makes me all warm inside!